


Finding Absolution

by outoftheashes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Community: spn_kinkmeme, Cutting, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Possibly Pre-Slash, Post-Episode: s09e10 Road Trip, Prompt Fill, Season/Series 09, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 14:04:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6707278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outoftheashes/pseuds/outoftheashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam expresses concern over Gadreel's well-being. After a bit of coaxing Dean caves and checks up on the angel even though he hates him. He is unprepared for what he sees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fill for the spnkinkmeme, so please be gentle.

The angel shows up in the bunker's library unannounced and Dean's ready to gank Gadreel, but Sammy stops him. Apparently, Gadreel wants to switch sides, wants to help them defeat Metatron and fucking _Sam_ offers up their home as a temporary safe haven in the meantime. There is a 'no' on Dean's tongue, no way is he letting this happen --

But the look Sam sends his way shuts him up. Things have been rocky between them. Dean won't admit it out loud, he won't say the exact words, but he _misses_ Sam.

So he doesn't really have a choice.

He says 'yes' and gives Gadreel a bedroom near his.

 

* * *

 

It takes awhile for Gadreel to realize just how deep, how great his sins are, that he's failed time and time again to protect God's most precious creation. It takes him far too long to realize he's been obsessed with his own cause, but once it hits him it's all he can think about.

And now he has to make it right.

When the answer first enters his mind, he's desperate and eager to follow through at the earliest opportunity. This is his hope, his chance at absolution.

The first cut is slow and shallow, across the skin of his forearm with his angel blade. He already needs more. The sharp sting of this one cut isn't enough. He needs to suffer as long as he can stand it.

_Failing to protect the garden and being imprisoned, sullying my chance at a good name._

He slices the skin of his other forearm.

_Taking Sam as my vessel, lying to Dean._

When he cuts again he isn't as slow or shy, pushing his pants down slightly so he can run the blade along his hip bones.

_Making my brother Castiel leave the bunker, disconnecting him from the humans he sees as family._

Slice, slice, slice. A cry of pain escapes his mouth and the noise surprises him. He hasn't been this loud since he was in chains, shut away from everyone with only his thoughts and Abner for company.

_I murdered Kevin, an innocent, just to prove my allegiance to Metatron. I took away the boy's chance at happiness. Now Sam Winchester has nightmares, sees me snuffing the life out of his friend with HIS hands._

More cuts. He alternates between shallow and deep on his thighs and wrists. His strength starts to wane and he is tired, but the pain is... addicting. He can't stop. Blood and little bits of grace seep out of him.

Using an angel blade is dangerous, of course. It could result in death. Gadreel isn't quite sure he cares.

 

* * *

 

 

Whenever they see Gadreel the pain in his eyes is downright unsettling. There are whispers in Sam's brain, warnings to pay close attention. At first, he says nothing. What _can_ he say? But the feelings won't go away.

It's a dirty trick, but he waits until they're in the middle of dessert to address his concerns. Gadreel's been MIA all day and it's got Sam wound up tight.

“Okay, ah. You're gonna hate this, but Gadreel --”

Dean sighs and puts his fork down, giving his cherry pie a look of pure longing before focusing on Sam. “I don't really wanna talk about him, Sammy. At all.”

“You almost killed him.”

“Yeah, exactly. Stop remindin' me. Makes me wanna finish the job.”

“Don't.” Sam's stomach clenches. “Don't do it.”

“Fuck, Sam. I _won't,_ okay? I said I want to, but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen.” Dean pauses. “Tell me what's up.”

“One of us should go talk to him, make sure he's okay.” Sam rubs at his face. “I think it should be you.”

“Oh _hell_ no. Not happenin'.”

“Dean something is _wrong._ He. He looks so _sad._ And he barely leaves his room. _”_

Dean fiddles with his fork. “Yeah, well. It'd be fucked up if he wasn't sad, wouldn't it? But who says it's not an act, huh? Maybe he's waitin' for the right moment to kill us.”

“ _Dean.”_

“God dammit, Sam. It's not fair to use the puppy eyes.” He pushes his plate of barely touched pie away from himself.

“Two minutes, that's all I'm asking. Maybe see if he'd be willing to come out of his room. Or, uh. Open up to you, I don't know.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean expects to reach Gadreel's room and have the door be closed. He expects that the angel won't answer or if he does he'll make up some excuse why he can't talk because seriously, the angel opening up to him? That seemed like the least likely of possibilities.

Instead, the door is ajar and Dean's hair stands up for unknown reasons. “Gadreel? You alright?”

No response. He waits for a few beats and pushes the door fully open.

“Holy fuck!”

Gadreel's covered in bloody gashes. It's immediately obvious they're self-inflicted and what the hell, how is he supposed to handle this?

After the shock wears off he grabs a wet cloth and begins washing away the blood caked on the angel's skin. He grabs hold of him with his free hand and shakes him hard. “You with me?” Still no response. “Hey!” he barks. “I need you to answer me.”

“Hello, Dean.” Gadreel blinks, eyes glassy, but no longer vacant.

Dean grits his teeth and weighs his options. Cleaning wounds is easy, he's done it most of his life, but this? Dealing with a self-harming angel was far beyond his set of skills.

“I am an angel, Dean. I don't require medical attention. Only rest. My wounds are not fatal --”

“I know that!” Dean says, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “I know you can heal on your own. But you. You _hurt_ yourself. With a fucking angel blade. Why would you do that when you know how dangerous it is?”

“Everything is my fault,” he says simply. “I have hurt everyone around me --”

“So you own up to what you've done!” He throws the bloody washcloth aside and takes a deep breath. “You don't... dammit, this won't _fix_ anything.”

“I deserve this and more.” Gadreel stretches out his arms. “He's gone. He's gone and I'm here. Dean, I'm so _sorry_ I murdered your friend.”

“You mean Kevin?”

Gadreel nods. “One of my many sins.”

“Yeah, I won't forgive you for killing him. Or for lying and, and all the other stupid shit – but I can't sit here and let you hurt yourself. You've gotta stop and find a way to live _without_ cutting.”

Dean hesitates, searches for the right words then points at Gadreel.

“I'm gonna call Sammy in here. The three of us are gonna have a long chat. Figure out a safety plan for you, so the next time you feel like cutting you've got ideas on how to distract yourself, including talking to me or Sam whenever you need it. Capisce?”

Gadreel's eyes burn and he nods again. This is far more than he'd ever thought possible. He'd been so sure of what he needed to do...

Maybe he'd been wrong and _this_ is the start of his absolution.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the full prompt: 
> 
> Gadreel has issues upon issues. Slipping up that one time and getting sentenced to permanent solitary confinement because of it. Mistreatment during that time. Then his freedom coming only because he and all the other angels fell. Then turning on the two humans he promised to help, and using Sam to murder Kevin. Causing Castiel to be turned away from the humans he'd come to love as family. Hurting Dean and piling more guilt on him by forcing him to do so.
> 
> Oh, his sins are great, and he knows of only one way to gain absolution. (I know he's an angel so maybe he has to use his angel blade to hurt himself, or he deliberately manifests what's left of his wings and twists them, just anything so he feels like he's making amends).
> 
> I can't make up my mind if I'd rather it was Dean or Sam who finds out and forces him to stop, but I think it would be better with Dean, hating Gadreel to no end but unable to just leave the guy to hurt himself likethat and having to step in.


End file.
